The Next Big Thing!

I rarely update my blog.

There are two reasons for this:

1.) I’m usually too busy working on various writing projects such as not working on any writing projects and playing Assassins Creed 3.

2.) I don’t consider myself a “blogger” so I have no real desire to constantly inundate you with every inane detail about the ridiculously exciting life I live as an obscure-writer-type-guy.

But today things are a bit different. Thanks to Eirik Gumeny - author of the Exponential Apocalypse books (Read them now if you haven’t already. They’re destined to be future cult classics!), founder of my alma mater Jersey Devil Press, and all around hilarious writer/mofo – I have been tagged in The Next Big Thing Blog Chain, which, as you can surmise from the name of it, is a blog chain where I’m going to talk about my next big thing. In this particular case, that would be my next book which I’m finishing up as we speak and should be out in a few months from Rooster Republic Press.

So here’s how it this blog chain works:

Essentially you find some questions below which I’m going to answer. Then at the end I’m going to tag some other writers I like and they’re gonna answer the same questions. Then they’re gonna tag some writers they like to answer the questions. And so on and so on and so on until everyone in the world has said everything there is to be said and there are no more words left unspoken for the remainder of mankinds time in this universe.

Sounds like fun, right? WELL THEN, LET’S GET STARTED!

What is your working title of your book (or story)?

My next book is actually going to be a series of three stand alone novellas that will be all bundled together under a single cover in one nice, little package. Like firewood. Or cigarettes. The actual book doesn’t have a title yet but the three novellas in it are titled as follows:

KNIGHTS OF THE WHITE CASTLE

SOMNAMBULANT

ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME

Where did the idea come from for the book?

Well, since there are three books in it I guess I’ll run through them all here:

The idea for KNIGHTS OF THE WHITE CASTLE I had several years ago. I was driving past a White Castle and I began wondering why it was called that. I guess this was before everyone had smartphones because otherwise I would’ve just looked it up immediately.


Actually, I think I’m going to look it up right now. Hold please...

...Oh cool. Here's the link to that if you’re interested in the history of White Castle, but let me assure you, it is substantially less entertaining than the rest of my answers to these dumb questions.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, so I drove by and was wondering why it was called White Castle. Then I drove past a Burger King and Dairy Queen and I just thought it was weird that all these fast food franchises were nominally related to medieval feudalism somehow. So I just took it one step further. One very weird step further.

SOMNAMBULANT was another idea I had years back and I’ll be honest, I have no clue where it came from. It was so long ago. If I had to guess I’d say I was bored at work and thinking about where to find a hiding space where could take a quick nap without getting fired. The story is about a sleepwalker if you haven’t put it together yet. That’s what somnambulant means. Get a dictionary.

ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME is the one that I’m currently working on. I like to listen to music when I write. I put my headphones on and turn it up real loud. I guess some people might find that distracting but I find it helps me fall into the rhythm of writing. Plus it fills in all those awkward moments where I’m staring at my computer screen like mongoloid while I think of what to write next. Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me is a more somber tale than the others and the idea came to me while listening to “No Surprises” from Radiohead.

What genre does your book fall under?

Satire. Humor. Bizarro. Sci-fi. Pre-apocalyptic. Schlock. Pervy shit. Fergilcious.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

You know what? Originally I had picked just one of the novellas and spent an hour sitting on my couch thinking about which actors would play which characters, but in the end, I didn’t like any of my answers. So every character in every novella I would like to be played by Martin Lawrence in varying degrees of crossdressing/fatsuits.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

Three tales of dumb shit you’ll probably hate.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

An agency? Like the CIA?

Nah. It’s coming out through small-press.

Rooster Republic Press, to be exact. 

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

Each novella is around 15,000 words and the first draft usually takes a around a month. Or two. But that’s the easy part. Trying to make some sort of cohesive story out of 35 pages of rambling pop culture philosophy and bizarro dick jokes? Things get tricky.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

To be a writer you basically are just ripping off other writers smarter than you, then crapping it out and calling the smell your own. In that way this book will be like every book I’ve ever read.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

Um...well, boredom is always a factor. I had just got fired from my shitty day job and was spending my days watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E! That Scott Disick – what a character, amiright? Anyway, about that time I got an email from Etienne DeForest who helps run Rooster Republic Press. My short story “Apple of my iPhone” had just appeared in their last anthology TALL TALES WITH SHORT COCKS 2 (Buy a copy this instant, you assholes!) He was all like “Whatcha workin on now?” And I was like “I had a couple of ideas for these novellas and such.” And he was like “You should turn those ideas into actual stories and perhaps we will publish them.” And I was all like “Well that’d be awesome. I’ll start working on it immediately.”

And by immediately I of course meant after The Kardashians were over.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

I’m tired so if I haven’t done it yet, then I give up.

* * * * * * * *

So there you have it. Now you know all about my new book. OH – the book itself doesn’t have a title yet, so if anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them. It could be related to the stories themselves or a non sequitur would also work. Remember, there are no dumb suggestions, just dumb people.

So before I sign off let me direct you to the three writers I tagged to participate in the Next Big Thing Blog Chain. Without further a-doo-doo, here they are:

Arthur Graham – writer of the funny, trippy, experimental novel Editorial and the editor of my new as-yet nameless book. He’s very active on Goodreads, so you should probably send him a friend request there and then he can leave hilarious and asinine comments on your book reviews just like he does on mine!

David Wallace Fleming – silky-voiced writer of several volumes of funny short fiction like this one, and this one. He’s also got a sweet audiobook for Not From Concentrate that you can buy. I used to listen to it on my way to work when I had a job I had to drive to. It made my commute much less shitty.

Douglas Hackle – is a writer guy who I don’t believe has a novel out yet, but he fucking should. He has written some of the best short stories I’ve ever read online. Like this one. Did you read it? Holy fuckballs – three sentences in and I was sold. I’ve already pledged my undying allegiance to the Church of Hackle. You should too.

There you have it folks. Have fun. The end.

Danger