Updates!

Hello.

This is my last post of 2014, which isn't saying much because I rarely update this blog. But I should update more. I do little things all over the place that you may want to check out, and if you're not my friend on Facebook, you'd have no way of knowing it.

So here's what's been going on with me over the past two weeks, for your entertainment pleasure:

1. Another guest appearance on Jeremy Maddux's podcast Surreal Sermons. It's not an interview or anything like that. We basically just argue with each other for the first five minutes of the show after he found out I rejected his 'Pinata story' from Rooster Republic Press.

LISTEN HERE

2. Speaking of Rooster Republic Press, they had me on as the contestant for the third episode of their bad game show, aptly called The Bad Game Show. Other guests included Justin Grimbol and Michael Allen Rose. It's basically 20 minutes of nonstop sexual confession. Those two guys are perverted as FUCK! Link here just in case the embedded video below doesn't work.

3. Lastly, Lady Terminator herself, my good friend Erika Instead, let me do a guest blog post on her B-movie blog she does for Living Dead Magazine. We watched a movie called Mutantis and it's pretty much exactly what you'd be a movie called Mutantis to be about. It's a funny blog for often-overlooked movies.

HERE THE LINK FOR THAT

And I believe last post I said I was gonna start sticking recommendations in with each post? Did I say that? Well, regardless, I'm  going to. And my first recommendation is going to be of Michael Allen Rose's band Flood Damage. They're an industrial rock band from Chicago and they KICK-ASS. I wrote a review for their new album Instruction for the Assembly of God(s) and since there's like NOWHERE GOOD to stick a goddamn music review other than iTunes, I'm gonna copy and paste it right here:

Spooky. Kooky. All together ooky.

This is FUN music. A pop-industrial album that is gritty enough to grind you to pieces in its mechanical jaws, yet catchy enough to make you want to nod your head to the beat while you’re getting eaten alive.

Yes, this is a robot dance party hosted by the Devil and attended exclusively by a bunch of sexy, tattooed chicks all lezzing out on each other. You know what I mean?

You don’t?

Look, is there an accurate way to describe music without sound trite or derivative? People always do that "well it kinda sounds like" thing when they talk about bands: Well it kinda sounds like Ministry. Well it kinda sounds like Skinny Puppy. Well it kinda sounds like Frank Sinatra if he were a possessed blender on a mission to have sex with every appliance in the world. But what does any of that even MEAN?

I like the kind of music that paints pictures. Lyrical content aside, I dig sounds. Atmospheres. That intangible part of a song that hits you somewhere deep. The way words in a book build a world in your head, a good song, or album, can do the same. And this album certainly does just that! At times it’s like the soundtrack to some crazy supernatural slasher movie. At other times, it might be what the DJ is spinning at a vampire dance club blood orgy, like that awesome scene in Blade 2. At other points it strikes like lightning out of a matte silver cloud. And still at other points it lumbers along like a blind giant’s feet, stomping across the dirty landscape of a coal-stained city plucked straight out of some reimagined Victorian distopia. That’s what I was SEEING in my mind while I listened to Instructions for the Assembly of God(s). That's what these sounds gave me. But even with all the ATMOSPHERE that this music brings, you won’t find any lithe ambient noises tiptoeing around like a curious caterpillar. It’s not THAT kind of atmosphere I'm talking about! Instead you'll get only loud, crunchy guitars and heart-attack fast drums and ethereal, ghostly vocals the stalk you like a jilted wind. These aren’t lullabies to put you to sleep. This stuff will get you moving. Bobbing your head. Punching your mom. This album ROCKS. 

Standout track: SeXXXee (is this a George Michael homage?!)

That is all for now, person who decided to actually read all this shit and maybe click a few links. Have a great day. Enjoy life. Enjoy pizza. 

Love,

Danger

Two New Anthologies For Your Book Lovin' Ass!

Let's get down to brass tacks here, people:

TWO GODDAMN NEW ANTHOLOGIES PUBLISHED AND YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!!

First up, my story "My Tapir" has been published in the fourth edition of Rooster Republic Press's flagship anthology Tall Tales with Short Cocks.

Here's the cover art (inspired by my lowly words):

Kinda honored about that. Again, here's a link to buy it on Amazon! BUY IT RIGHT NOW, SUCKA! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! IT'S AWESOME!

SECONDLY, I have a story called "The Monster, the Man, the Building, the Bomb" in Bizarro Pulp Press's first anthology Bizarro, Bizarro.

Buy that shit right here!

OVER 500 PAGES of strangeness for your undeserving eyeballs. Seriously, people, check out the table of contents. I'm in great company here. An honor to be included in such a fine publication.

So here's the links again:

TALL TALES WITH SHORT COCKS VOL. 4

BIZARRO, BIZARRO

Man, I'm kill it over here!

~ Danger

Books, Beer and Bullshit Podcast Interview!

Greeting out there in Internetland!

I'm pleased to let you all know that my interview with the Books, Beer and Bullshit Podcast just went up! In addition to DangerRAMA, come listen to us discuss the lighter side of fast food franchising, Norwegian nomenclature and having sex with your own body parts.

This is a consistently hilarious show and I'm really, really glad they invited me to be a part of it.

LISTEN HERE WITH YOUR EARHOLES, SUCKAS!

And follow BB&B here and on Facebook.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming,

Danger!

DangerRAMA is OUT NOW!!!

That's right, kiddos!

My new book DangerRAMA is officially out and available for your purchasing pleasure! Three silly-ass novellas that are guaranteed to make you laugh, cry, vomit, lactate, become smarter and better looking, contemplate life, grow 6 inches taller, and secrete a foul-smelling honey-like substance from you ears, nose and MORE!

Here are the relevant links:

Paperback

Kindle

Here's how you can win an autographed copy along with a refrigerator-art style drawing by ME!

And here's the release event page on Facebook, in case you want to help spread the word in much the same manner this novel will invariably spread your butt (with pleasure).

Thanks 10000% to Rooster Republic Press for putting out this book. And thank you, person reading this, because you're clicking on over to Amazon right now and buying a copy, AREN'T YOU?

~ Danger

DangerRAMA! Coming Soon!

 

There's the cover art (front and back) of my soonforthupcoming book DangerRAMA!

In case you can't read the back cover here's what it says:

Ladies and gentleworms, gargoyles and girls – do you have the mettle to step up and peer into the mouth of mayhem, incongruity, shock and perversion? A trio of taint-tingling tales await you between these covers. Your taint will tingle. On your taint. The taint is that area between your balls and asshole, in case you didn’t know. Is it tingling yet? Good. Now let these three twisted novellas forever change your pathetic little life:

KNIGHTS OF THE WHITE CASTLE – An inter-dimensional tale of hamburgers, hubris and science gone mad!

SOMNAMBULANT – Terrorists, movie stars, and blue whales converge in this story about a dude who’s really just trying to get a good night’s sleep.

ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME – A computer malfunction sends a lone astronaut spiraling across the cosmos. Will he save mankind or just masturbate a lot?

That's right. Three new novellas in one nice little package! There is not an "official" release date as of right now, but this book will be available SOON. Sooner than you think. Like, in a week or two. Or three. Who knows. Point is - SOON MUTHAFUCKA! In the meantime here's what you can do to stay informed:

Add DangerRAMA on Goodreads by clicking this link

Visit Rooster Republic Press by clicking this link

Read an interview I did concerning DangerRAMA a few months back with this link

Feel free to 'add' me on Facebook by clicking here 

I'm really excited and very proud of this book and I can't wait for you fine folks out there in internetland to read it.

Thanks e'rrybody!

~ Danger!

The Next Big Thing!

I rarely update my blog.

There are two reasons for this:

1.) I’m usually too busy working on various writing projects such as not working on any writing projects and playing Assassins Creed 3.

2.) I don’t consider myself a “blogger” so I have no real desire to constantly inundate you with every inane detail about the ridiculously exciting life I live as an obscure-writer-type-guy.

But today things are a bit different. Thanks to Eirik Gumeny - author of the Exponential Apocalypse books (Read them now if you haven’t already. They’re destined to be future cult classics!), founder of my alma mater Jersey Devil Press, and all around hilarious writer/mofo – I have been tagged in The Next Big Thing Blog Chain, which, as you can surmise from the name of it, is a blog chain where I’m going to talk about my next big thing. In this particular case, that would be my next book which I’m finishing up as we speak and should be out in a few months from Rooster Republic Press.

So here’s how it this blog chain works:

Essentially you find some questions below which I’m going to answer. Then at the end I’m going to tag some other writers I like and they’re gonna answer the same questions. Then they’re gonna tag some writers they like to answer the questions. And so on and so on and so on until everyone in the world has said everything there is to be said and there are no more words left unspoken for the remainder of mankinds time in this universe.

Sounds like fun, right? WELL THEN, LET’S GET STARTED!

What is your working title of your book (or story)?

My next book is actually going to be a series of three stand alone novellas that will be all bundled together under a single cover in one nice, little package. Like firewood. Or cigarettes. The actual book doesn’t have a title yet but the three novellas in it are titled as follows:

KNIGHTS OF THE WHITE CASTLE

SOMNAMBULANT

ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME

Where did the idea come from for the book?

Well, since there are three books in it I guess I’ll run through them all here:

The idea for KNIGHTS OF THE WHITE CASTLE I had several years ago. I was driving past a White Castle and I began wondering why it was called that. I guess this was before everyone had smartphones because otherwise I would’ve just looked it up immediately.


Actually, I think I’m going to look it up right now. Hold please...

...Oh cool. Here's the link to that if you’re interested in the history of White Castle, but let me assure you, it is substantially less entertaining than the rest of my answers to these dumb questions.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, so I drove by and was wondering why it was called White Castle. Then I drove past a Burger King and Dairy Queen and I just thought it was weird that all these fast food franchises were nominally related to medieval feudalism somehow. So I just took it one step further. One very weird step further.

SOMNAMBULANT was another idea I had years back and I’ll be honest, I have no clue where it came from. It was so long ago. If I had to guess I’d say I was bored at work and thinking about where to find a hiding space where could take a quick nap without getting fired. The story is about a sleepwalker if you haven’t put it together yet. That’s what somnambulant means. Get a dictionary.

ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME & ME is the one that I’m currently working on. I like to listen to music when I write. I put my headphones on and turn it up real loud. I guess some people might find that distracting but I find it helps me fall into the rhythm of writing. Plus it fills in all those awkward moments where I’m staring at my computer screen like mongoloid while I think of what to write next. Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me & Me is a more somber tale than the others and the idea came to me while listening to “No Surprises” from Radiohead.

What genre does your book fall under?

Satire. Humor. Bizarro. Sci-fi. Pre-apocalyptic. Schlock. Pervy shit. Fergilcious.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

You know what? Originally I had picked just one of the novellas and spent an hour sitting on my couch thinking about which actors would play which characters, but in the end, I didn’t like any of my answers. So every character in every novella I would like to be played by Martin Lawrence in varying degrees of crossdressing/fatsuits.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

Three tales of dumb shit you’ll probably hate.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

An agency? Like the CIA?

Nah. It’s coming out through small-press.

Rooster Republic Press, to be exact. 

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

Each novella is around 15,000 words and the first draft usually takes a around a month. Or two. But that’s the easy part. Trying to make some sort of cohesive story out of 35 pages of rambling pop culture philosophy and bizarro dick jokes? Things get tricky.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

To be a writer you basically are just ripping off other writers smarter than you, then crapping it out and calling the smell your own. In that way this book will be like every book I’ve ever read.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

Um...well, boredom is always a factor. I had just got fired from my shitty day job and was spending my days watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E! That Scott Disick – what a character, amiright? Anyway, about that time I got an email from Etienne DeForest who helps run Rooster Republic Press. My short story “Apple of my iPhone” had just appeared in their last anthology TALL TALES WITH SHORT COCKS 2 (Buy a copy this instant, you assholes!) He was all like “Whatcha workin on now?” And I was like “I had a couple of ideas for these novellas and such.” And he was like “You should turn those ideas into actual stories and perhaps we will publish them.” And I was all like “Well that’d be awesome. I’ll start working on it immediately.”

And by immediately I of course meant after The Kardashians were over.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

I’m tired so if I haven’t done it yet, then I give up.

* * * * * * * *

So there you have it. Now you know all about my new book. OH – the book itself doesn’t have a title yet, so if anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them. It could be related to the stories themselves or a non sequitur would also work. Remember, there are no dumb suggestions, just dumb people.

So before I sign off let me direct you to the three writers I tagged to participate in the Next Big Thing Blog Chain. Without further a-doo-doo, here they are:

Arthur Graham – writer of the funny, trippy, experimental novel Editorial and the editor of my new as-yet nameless book. He’s very active on Goodreads, so you should probably send him a friend request there and then he can leave hilarious and asinine comments on your book reviews just like he does on mine!

David Wallace Fleming – silky-voiced writer of several volumes of funny short fiction like this one, and this one. He’s also got a sweet audiobook for Not From Concentrate that you can buy. I used to listen to it on my way to work when I had a job I had to drive to. It made my commute much less shitty.

Douglas Hackle – is a writer guy who I don’t believe has a novel out yet, but he fucking should. He has written some of the best short stories I’ve ever read online. Like this one. Did you read it? Holy fuckballs – three sentences in and I was sold. I’ve already pledged my undying allegiance to the Church of Hackle. You should too.

There you have it folks. Have fun. The end.

Danger